The reason behind why I wanted to start my website
I have always had a bad habit of keeping my mind occupied with any and every “What If” situation. I’m pretty sure that this helps me feel like I have a sense of control in my life and that I’m also preparing for what’s next. I can’t tell you how many times that I waited for things that would never come. I thought in life you had goals because that is what drives you to keep moving forward and have purpose. Everytime I would find myself unsatisfied with something I pursued, instead of looking to myself as to why I was unhappy, I just ended up filling the void by chasing other things. This lack of peace caused the unrelentless search inside of myself to chase all kinds of dreams, without fully finding myself in the highlights. In this pursuit, I hoped that I would feel fulfilled and somehow out of my own way with my mindset, leading me closer to my purpose.
The death of my mother brought me to this way of thinking that it was the dreams you needed to capture to be happy. This obsession grew as I went through the grieving process of her death. My dreams were the only thing I held onto to get me through the toughest of years.
It’s still difficult even to write about this with her 10th death anniversary approaching and mother’s day coming up. I pushed writing this off for days and kept it as a draft in my drive that I would off and on edit and change. Also, this post is supposed to be about the reasons why I was scared to start my blog. But I guess if I’m really being honest with myself, this moment right here of talking about my mom is the scariest thing to me.
Since the day that her funeral ended, I have spent my entire life pushing it in the darkest corner of my mind. I told myself that in no way would I make excuses to be weak and use her death as something for people to pity me. I’m definitely not saying that it’s weak to grieve someone and everyone does really grieve differently. Trust me, I am the youngest of 6 other kids and know what grieving looks like. But to me, I had a unrealistic expectation I set for myself that kept me running for years and years.
This unexplainable desire and need almost took over my life and how I was around people. In always being genuine with everyone that I met, I couldn’t seem to live in a freedom to grow and be as I was naturally. There is a mark left on you when you lose someone that you spent so much of your life trying to please and make happy. Especially being so young. All I knew was to try and make my parents happy, have friends, and not totally hate myself when I looked in the mirror. I wasn’t even close to thinking about self discovery and my purpose at 15.
But after it all, I can honestly say that no matter what you go through, nothing else in life is as important as the relationship that you have with yourself. In the moments of trials and tribulations, this is how you build self love and discovery. As much as you love your family, friends, or partner, you have to realize that it’s only going to be YOU that gets you through it. It’s a hard and lonely lesson until you finally start to grasp that concept. Who wants to get close to themselves, right? Wrong! You are the most unique, funniest, intelligent, beautiful, and most amazing person that there is!
THIS IS THE REASON WHY I STARTED THIS BLOG! Because I know that no matter what level of life experiences that you may go through, until you truly find yourself in the moment within those experiences, it won’t matter. You will come up to the surface again and again somehow still gasping for air. Things will continue to never be enough and you will continue to feel lonelier and lonelier as the years go by. I know how lonely it feels when your life starts to unfold before you in this beautiful way and for some reason you feel fear or emptiness, or even worse, unworthiness.
I have come to this realization after looking back at my decisions and actions, I never made it a priority to root a connection with myself or what I was building in life. Even the attempts that I did, they were forced and I was ready to move on from the “self discovery phase” in life and get to where I was trying to go. Unfortunately, challenges would seem to knock me down, harder and harder the further I climbed up. People would ask me how could I be so upset after going through everything that I did and assumed I should be stronger or at some different level emotionally in life.
I just want to let you know, as many other women in my life have let me know, that you are not alone in your situation. I’m serious, this post is for you! What I want to remind you is that you need to find the time to get to know YOURSELF. And I’m not talking about the stay inside your home, meditating with incense kind. I’m talking about a constant effort to be intune with yourself as you go throughout the day. And you don’t just do this alone. Opening up yourself to new relationships and connections along the way will help you build up the confidence you need in yourself to appreciate all your hard work.
Thanks for reading this long post if you made it this far! I know that it’s meant for the ones that aren’t able to fully articulate what they are feeling or going through. But I’m here and so are so many other people around you! You just have to open yourself up and find the quality people to confide in, along with always looking to yourself.